Okay alright. Death has visited our Quiet Little Town (Earth) again. Dolly Pardon has deceased! On her tombstone they should just say, “9-5,” instead of her birth year and death date. Just for fun. Also I know Dolly Portion says she only worked 9-5 but I bet she really clocked in a lot of overtime. Just being Dolly Patton is a full-time job! When you’re Dolly Parson you’re working 24/7! That’s probably why she took her own life. PENDING CONFORMATION. Anyway. Ya Know One day someone I care about will die. OH NO IS THIS TRUE. Not If I Die First! Hmm interesting. Anyway. I saw Spiderman. That movie wasn’t so great! I don’t get it. OH NO Peter Parker was lonely for 40% out of one movie of a 20 film length franchise WHAT A TRAGEDY. Also are we even rooting for him to reconnect with his friends and love interest? Seems like being alone is good for him! Character building! Time alone is just what the doctor ordered. Uh oh there’s a DOCTOR DOOM. Might be some foreshadowing. Why are we supposed to be scared of or mistrustful of Doctors. Is it because of Vaccines. Is that why for the next decade our Main Villian is Dr. Doom? Dr. Doom is anti-vaxx poopoganda? Don’t forget Doctors are the ones who perform Transgender. Oh no doctors are getting worse and worse! VACCINES. AFFIRMATINVE GENDER CARE. WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE.
At least doctors are Men. I’ll trust them over a nurse. FEMALE. Get ‘em OUT of here. I don’t like this character I’ve been doing. It started out by feeling bad about not feeling bad enough about Dolly Parton dying. She just never really connected with me, someone of my generation. I’m sorry! She was in the Simpsons. She saved them from Superbowl Jail. Oh right. Well good. Anyway. If Dolly Parton was here what might she say. I DON’T KNOW. I don’t know her well enough! She’d probably be okay with me moving on! That would involve Knowing A New Subject though. I dunno. I saw a commercial I THINK FOR LUNCHABLES where there’s a kid listing different classes he just had in middle school before getting to lunch and he lists both Social Studies and History. Who has History AND Social Studies. Social Studies IS History. This commercial must have been written by AI or a very dumb human. Anyway I’m worried these commercials are giving kids unreasonable expectations that, based on the lunch they’re having any given day, how popular they will become with their peers. I know what the commercial made it look like, but I’m sorry, no one is going to start applauding because you have a Lunchables for lunch, or anything else! I’M SORRY THE WORLD IS A CRUEL PLACE.
I remember getting Lunchables sometimes in 2-3rd grade for school lunch and being like Holy Shit I’m Eatin’ Fuckin PIZZA this is amazing. In retrospect that’s a pretty shitty pizza but I would make it myself which is pretty impressive. There’s three crackers you squirt tomato sauce on and sprinkle grated cheese further atop! I was a regular Rattatoouie. I think I used to skip the cheese. I only liked cheese on pizza at the time. This is pizza. Well I rightly registered it’s NOT PIZZA ENOUGH. Anway. If I was gonna write a We Didn’t Start The Fire about shows and movies from the late 2000’s (decade) I’d pair Ratattooie with Lucky Louie in a rhyme at some point. Hard to say which guy turned out to be the bigger rat, the animated rat or Louie CK. TOPICAL. Isn’t there such a thing as Topical Cream. What’s the expiration date on that. Can’t last forever. Anyway. The point is My Mom trusted me enough to put the pieces together for my lunch. Lunchables teaches self-dependency and that’s good. You know the saying Give A Man A Lunch he’ll eat just one day. Give a man a LUNCHABLES and then apparently everyone will erupt in applause for him once he gets started. Also who are these people eating Entire Fishes they just got for free In One Day. Give a man a fish, make sure he makes that fish lasts all week! That’s how I WOULD do donating fish!
Whatever. Was “Presidential Parton,” a project of Dolly Parton? If I google it will it reveal anything she ever did? Doesn’t look like it. SOME ROLE MODEL. Never even made herself President in a song or aborted movie or TV Sketch or something. Psh. Oh Shit that’s another thing Doctors do, Abortions. Not all of them. YEP ALL OF THEM. They make you abort on someone as a hazing ritual. Oh didn’t know that. Anyway that’s good. I like abortion! I might want someone special to have an abortion one day. It’s a long life ahead of me! Anyway. Has TV or Movie ever jokingly compared Abortion to The Claw Game in arcades. If not I’m gonna make that striking visual analogy right now! Surely hundreds if not in the high amount of hundreds of people have thought of that before me. Oh okay that’s good. What if someone made that joke but it wasn’t on TV or Film. Then did it ever really happen. I dunno. I can’t say for sure if anything ever really happened or not! Oh well. Another problem I had with the latest Spiderman is that for most of the movie The Big Supervillain is… A LITTLE GIRL. Okay she was a teenager but still it feels weird for that to be Super Hero’s Arch Nemesis for the majority of the film. Maybe that says more about my own hang-ups than it does about the movie. GREAT.
Anyway. I didn’t spoil too much about that film. That’s good. Besides it already made 2 billion dollars. I think that means Everyone Else has seen it already. I wish I made 2 billion dollars. Well I guess I need to make a major motion picture then. I liked TITANIC holding the top spot of highest grossing picture ever because it’s implied there in the title. It’s a BIG movie. TITANIC. I think I might write a musical bio-pic about the Pixies called, “GIGANTIC.” Which is the name of maybe their 20th most popular song? And then that movie can make 4 billion dollars. Or I guess I can reboot the Tom Hanks vehicle, “Big.” This time around it can make 6 billion dollars, though! You get the idea. I remember when I was a kid and I saw Titanic I THINK that was the first time I ever saw Boobs. Cause there’s some boobs in there on behalf of Kate Winslet. And There’s a, “Tit,” in Titanic. COINCIDENCE? I don’t think so! Anyway it was also the first time I ever SAW A BOAT. Not sure that’s true. Well anyway it’s a pretty good movie maybe I should rewatch it for the first time in 25 years I guess. I like how there was a new Titanic disaster a few years ago. I don’t think we fully appreciated the irony there. They went down in a submarine or something to gawk at the Titanic and then they suffered a similar fate! HUBRIS. I don’t know what Hubris means but it feels like a word that applies here. Anyway. See ya later.
-6:44 P.M.
AUGUST 25 2026
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